Opinion: What Congress needs is more snowballs

Posted at 4:08 PM, Feb 27, 2015
and last updated 2015-03-01 14:02:31-05

I had a moment of clarity as I watched Sen. Jim Inhofe hurl a snowball across the Senate floor. Here I had been listening and reading all of this science about the manmade effects of climate change, and I have to confess that I didn’t really get it.

But Inhofe made his point about climate change (or lack thereof) so simple! If the world is really getting hotter, where the hell did he get that snowball?! Heat melts snow. He found snow. Therefore, there is no heat! All I really needed was a visual to finally understand that global warming isn’t my fault. It isn’t even real!

I suspect that many members of Congress, like me, are spatial learners – we have to see it to believe it. Our lawmakers have wasted precious hours with words and reasoning when all they need is visual evidence. It’s not an ideological difference or partisan divide that is halting our lawmakers from getting things accomplished – it’s a simple misunderstanding of learning style.

I propose we adopt Inhofe’s unique combination of tactile and spatial teaching for future action in the House and Senate. Here are a few ideas to get us on track:

Budget: Throw stacks of cash on the House floor

See? See that green stuff floating through the air? This is what you have to approve if you want the Department of Homeland Security to keep operating!

Education: Host a “Millennials March” through the chambers

This was the product of No Child Left Behind – a generation that has contributed nothing but apathy and selfies. This is how test-driven accountability has failed us.

Net neutrality: Make the entire Capitol run on dial-up Internet

Because when the government gets involved it slows everything down. EVERYTHING.

Immigration: Send everyone on vacation to Mexico

Why would you even want to come to the United States when you have warm weather and margaritas?

Keystone: Host displaced woodland creatures in freshmen’s offices

“Well, sorry, Tom. But if you’re going to vote to tear down forests for oil you have to put up with the squirrels.”


Just show the love. And actually, House Speaker John Boehner already took care of this one:

[Also by Abby Johnston: How the Obamas won the Internet]

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