By Betsy Flagler
Researchers in early-childhood development are looking for ways to solve a big dilemma in education: How to teach children to control their impulses. Here are ideas for how parents can train their kids to contain themselves:
Pack your well-rested, well-fed student off to school with homework lessons in self-control. Guaranteed, notes home will decrease. Otherwise, teachers will continue to waste their day recycling comments such as: Stay in your seat. Stop talking. Hands to yourself. Focus.
Early results in a study of kindergartners suggest that experiences with family play a greater role in the development of self-control than school experiences. Also, self-control is linked with greater academic achievement, a study at the University of California at Davis suggests.
Take a hint from music teachers: Give your preschooler a wooden spoon and pan. Have him sit on the kitchen floor with his "instruments" behind his back and his hands in front of him. Count to 10. Voila, it's time to play. The exercise takes quite a bit of self-restraint for some kids. Repeat until the fun is done.
Follow Miss Manners: Have family meals together, and stick to guidelines such as nobody digs in until everybody is seated. Waiting for your dessert, one serving, is another way to teach self-control. If your kids can't remain at the table at home, they won't be able to manage lunch rules at school.
Turn off gizmos at dinner to really push self-control: A study on substance abuse at Columbia University shows that teens who have frequent family dinners without distractions at the table -- talking or texting on a cell phone, using a Blackberry or Game Boy -- versus those who have infrequent family dinners and say there are distractions at the table are three times more likely to use marijuana and tobacco, and 2-1/2 times more likely to use alcohol.
Walk together hand in hand: Insist that your little one hold your hand in parking lots and while crossing streets. The middle of the road isn't the time to run or pick up leaves and bugs. The more your child learns to pay attention and control his whims, the safer he will be. Choose times where you insist that your child walk with you, but back that up with plenty of times for him to run free.
When playing games together, insist your child wait for his turn.
Try simple goals first, says the National Association of School Psychologists. For preschool children, an appropriate goal would be to not interrupt while you're on the phone or talking to another adult.
Children can learn to resist interrupting others if the behavior is modeled for them and they get positive feedback, the psychologists say. But be realistic. Don't let your kids get to the point where they are starved for your attention while you chat for 25 minutes on your cell phone.
One key to teach self-control, the association of psychologists says, is to teach your child how to cope with the word "no" without falling apart.
Preschoolers especially want what they want when they want it, and need some ways to cope with their aggravation. The child who learns to accept no will gain self-control and tolerance of others.
Make paper bag puppets and let them chat about what they are mad about. The group says choices other than pitching a fit about "no," could be: Ask again later; find something else to do; ask to borrow it, if that is feasible; ask to share it; or wait your turn.
New studies of the brain are allowing Medical Investigation of Neurodevelopmental Disorders (M.I.N.D.) researchers at UC Davis to identify how to deliver rewards in ways that increase self-control and engage regions of the brain associated with stopping impulsive acts.
If you have tips or a question, please e-mail us at p2ptips@att.net. Betsy Flagler, a journalist based in Davidson, N.C., teaches preschool and is the mother of a teenage son. If you have tips or questions, please e-mail us at p2ptips@att.net or call Parent to Parent at 704-236-9510.
